Identity Crisis
by Rainstorm Amaya Arianrhod
Summary: Aly's changed. Alan's confused. Thom endeavours to explain, in the best tradition of exasperated big brothers everywhere.


**A/N:** Thanks to teamfen/sarcastic rabbit for the editing advice. _**Please read and review!**_

**Disclaimer:** TP owns Tortall.

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Let's just make this very clear, shall we: you are not your twin. Though you are alike you are not, and yet when you search yourself for you think what must be missing or changed in you you cannot find it. Your appearance has changed a little, speaking as someone who has memories of you dating from before you were five: your hair is not so red as it used to be and your skin is more tanned. Your eyes used to hold the same expression as hers, but now it seems even the colour is different.

No, really. I see that too. It's not just your peculiar imaginings. Maybe it's the quality of light in the Copper Isles or something. Anyway, moving swiftly onwards.

You saw your twin recently and detected the first signs of Mother's personality coming through in her: that single-mindedness is quite unmistakable. You saw her and you wondered how she'd fallen in love with someone like the person who stood beside her and you asked yourself what had changed, and in whom. I wondered that too. We all did.

Shut up, I haven't finished. Have patience. You can go and bash something with a sword in a moment, just let me talk.

You asked Lianne for advice. She always had a level head and logical mind with a healer's training and she was always counsellor to both of you, though you did not always take her advice the way you should've done. She told you Aly had altered and so had you, and told you you knew it was for the best, for you could not always be together now.

No, I wasn't eavesdropping. Honestly. Educated guess.

There was still uncertainty in your eyes and Lianne read you as easily as one of her books, and there was anger in her face, for who you knew not.

It's time to grow up, Alan. You are not Aly and you never have been, though she made you so dependent on her. I suppose that's what she did when she was the girl I understood- now that she's a woman I freely admit that her motives are as clear as ditchwater to me. She manipulated you, Alan. She wanted your complicity and your unquestioning faith.

No, that's not what I'm saying. Of course she cares about you, you're her brother. She would never harm you, but if you didn't obey of your own accord she would find a way to bend you to her own ends. There's the thing, you see, you always did obey her. You adored her and you willingly accepted her every move, you even trusted her good judgement when she sailed away in that boat of hers. She imposed on you and made demands in a way you'd never allow, for example, Lianne, to.

Yesyesyes, I know, the cases are entirely different (speaking of which, when am I to wish you happy?), I'm just telling you how it was. You've been wandering around like a little lost lamb for weeks because you don't understand and I will not have it. Even Grandmother boggles at your behaviour and you're making Lianne miserable because she can't make you understand. She doesn't want to upset you by telling you this: it's fortunate you have a heartless older brother like me. The pensive and slightly worried frown does not suit you-

What? Say that again?

Oh. Lianne can do whatever she likes? Ah, but no, no she can't. If she asked you for permission to jump a ravine on that horse of hers (though I can't see why she'd need to) you would refuse, because you hate the thought of her getting hurt.

But if Aly asked, you'd go and saddle the horse for her, trusting to her good judgement. Personally speaking, I'm not sure she has any.

Speculations on Aly's judgement aside, you were always shadowed by her. She was always the bolder and the cheekier of you two and she had presence, charisma, like Da. You marched to her tune, even if it got you into trouble and Aly charmed her way out of it but somehow unaccountably forgot about you. You never even stepped away from her once until you decided you wanted to become a knight, and then you had to blurt it out at breakfast. (Is it any wonder I choked on my toast?)

Don't mistake me. Aly did need you and she does care about you. I remember how she cried when she realised you really were going away. But I also remember how confident she was, right up till the very moment you left, that she could convince you to stay.

Nothing has changed you so greatly, Alan, you always had the potential for that quieter confidence and less careless smile. Aly could be quite a spiteful girl and you followed her lead. You would judge more carefully now. She would find it harder to cajole you into agreeing with her.

It's a change for the better, little brother. Trust me on this one.


End file.
